I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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