She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
