Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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