youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize