At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
