The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
