The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
