I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
