Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize