I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
