I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize