I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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