apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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