I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
