Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize