What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
