so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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