What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
