12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
