thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
