Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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