you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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