we're blogging at a bar
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
