bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i dont even know how to be here
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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