you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
