and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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