I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
