I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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