i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
