I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
