I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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