remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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