News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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