Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize