you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
jump out the window naked night went bad
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
