wanna go halves on a baby?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
