I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
