census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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