I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize