if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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