The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
