Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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