it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
