Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
