Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
