I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
