Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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