I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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