new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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