I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
