Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
