i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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