life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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