probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
