I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize