i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
