Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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