I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
