Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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