Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
