Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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