The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
