I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
