i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
