just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
