I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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