Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
