I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
