Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
