today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
