I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
PANTIES FOUND
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