Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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