My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
